The Tug-of-War Inside: Understanding Our Inner Conflicts
Understanding Our Inner Conflicts:
Have you ever felt like there are different "parts" of you pulling in opposite directions? Maybe one part of you really wants to achieve a big goal, while another part feels scared and wants to stay safe and comfortable. This is something we all experience!
In therapy, we sometimes use a way of looking at ourselves called "Internal Family Systems," or IFS for short. Think of your mind as a family, with different "parts" that have their own feelings, beliefs, and jobs. Sometimes, these parts can get into conflict, and it can feel really confusing and stressful.
Let's explore a common inner conflict using this idea of parts. Imagine someone we'll call Alex. One part of Alex gets really worried about him watching pornography. This part, we can call the "Manager," believes that watching porn will stop Alex from having good, lasting relationships. It's like a manager at work, trying to keep everything in order and prevent problems.
Then there's another part of Alex that steps in when he feels overwhelmed or really needs comfort. This part, we can call the "Firefighter." It's like a firefighter rushing to put out a fire. When Alex feels a deep need for love and belonging that isn't being met, this Firefighter tries to protect those vulnerable feelings by turning to pornography for quick relief.
Let's try a simple exercise to get to know these parts a little better.
Taking a Moment to Meet Your Parts:
Get comfy: Find a place where you can sit or lie down and relax for a few minutes. Gently close your eyes.
Imagine a peaceful spot: Picture a calm place in your mind. Maybe it's sitting around a warm campfire under the night sky, or maybe it's gathered around a friendly table in a quiet room. Pick the image that feels right to you.
Meet your "Worrier" (Manager): Now, imagine that worried part of you – the one that frets about [mention the specific behavior, like watching porn] and how it might mess things up in your [mention the area of concern, like relationships]. What does this part look or feel like in your mind? Maybe it has a certain expression, a tone of voice, or you just get a general feeling. Invite this "Worrier" to sit down by your campfire or at the table.
Meet your "Protector" (Firefighter): Next, picture the part of you that steps in when you feel overwhelmed and tries to protect those deeper feelings by [mention the specific behavior, like watching porn]. What does this "Protector" look or feel like? Invite it to join the "Worrier" in your peaceful spot.
Just spend a little time noticing these two parts in your imagination. They don't need to talk or do anything yet. Just see them there. When you feel ready, you can open your eyes.
Thinking About Your "Worrier" (Manager):
Now that you have a sense of this worried part, let's think about it (you can even imagine you are talking to this part):
Worrier, what are you specifically afraid will happen if [mention the behavior] continues?
What bad things do you think will happen if [mention the behavior] keeps going? What are you trying to stop from happening?
What do you believe about [mention the behavior] and [mention the area of concern, like relationships] that makes you so worried? Where did you learn these ideas?
What's your job inside of me? What are you trying to control or organize to keep me safe and on the right path?
If you could make things the way you want, what would your [mention the area of concern, like relationship] life look like? What would you be doing instead of [mention the behavior]?
How does it feel for you when the "Protector" steps in and [mention the behavior], even though you're trying so hard to prevent it?
Thinking About Your "Protector" (Firefighter):
Now let's think about that part that tries to protect you (you can even imagine you are talking to this part):
Protector, can you describe how you feel in those moments right before you [mention the behavior]? What makes you want to step in?
What are you trying to soothe or get away from when you [mention the behavior]? What kind of relief are you looking for?
You're trying to protect a part of me that really needs love and belonging. Can you tell me more about that deeper need? What has that part experienced or what is it afraid of?
What do you think would happen to that vulnerable part if you didn't step in and [mention the behavior]? What difficult feelings do you think it would have to face?
How do you feel about the "Worrier" trying to control [mention the behavior]? Do you think the "Worrier" is being helpful or making things worse?
Understanding the Tug-of-War:
Worrier, when you hear what the "Protector" is trying to shield, does that make any sense to you? Can you see that it's trying to help in some way, even if you don't agree with how it's doing it?
Protector, when you hear the "Worrier’s” concerns about [mention the area of concern, like relationships], can you understand why that part is worried?
How does it make me feel when these two parts are fighting inside me?
Moving Towards Less Conflict:
Worrier, if you felt more sure that your need for love and belonging would be met in healthy ways, would you feel like you had to be so strict about [mention the behavior]? What would need to happen for you to relax a little?
Protector, if that part of you that needs love felt truly seen, loved, and like it belonged, would you need to step in so strongly with [mention the behavior] to give it quick comfort? What would that feel like for you?
Could it be that both of you – Worrier and Protector – actually want the same thing for you deep down, like having good relationships, but you just have different ways of trying to make that happen?
What do you think it would be like if you two could start talking to each other directly, with a calm and understanding part of you listening? What might you say to each other?
What small step could each of you take to try and understand the other's point of view and maybe even work together for your overall well-being?.
Conclusion:
By asking ourselves these kinds of questions, we can start to understand the different parts of ourselves that are in conflict. When we understand what each part is trying to do for us, even if it doesn't always feel helpful, we can begin to find ways for these parts to work together instead of fighting. This can lead to feeling more whole, more at peace, and more able to move forward in our lives.
If exploring these inner "parts" and understanding your own internal tug-of-war resonates with you, consider reaching out to us. We can help you delve deeper into your inner world, foster compassion for all your parts, and guide you towards greater harmony and well-being. Contact us today to schedule an appointment and
Disclaimer:
Please note that this blog post was created with the assistance of AI, under the clinical guidance and oversight of Rafa Gonzalez, LMHC, CSAT. The author actively shaped the content and subsequently reviewed and verified it for accuracy and alignment with their professional expertise and clinical judgment.
The information provided on this website is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
The techniques and strategies described on this website are intended to be helpful tools for managing distress. However, individual responses to these techniques may vary, and they may not be suitable for everyone. If you are experiencing severe or persistent mental health symptoms, it is essential to seek professional help.
Renaissance Care and Wellness and its affiliates are not responsible for any adverse effects or consequences resulting from the use of the information provided on this website. By using this website, you acknowledge and agree to this disclaimer. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact your local emergency services or a crisis hotline immediately (Dial 988). Use these techniques at your own risk.
